Back to Brokeback
by faeryprincess0923
Summary: It's the week before Junior's wedding and she comes to me wantin' to know how you know you love somebody... jeez what a question.


I think it's just about time me for to go. I cain't quit thinkin' about Jack. Junior got married last night. It was a purty weddin'. Junior was so pretty, white dress standin' out against her bright hair. No idea where she got that red from… Me and Alma both blonde. Not that it matters. Anyway, she came over about a week ago. Wanted to know how you know you're in love with somebody. Jeez what a question.

FLASHBACK

"How the hell am I supposed to know Junior? You know just how bad mine and your momma's relationship went."

"Yeah daddy, but I think I know why it went so bad… You were already in love weren't you?"

My eyes just bugged. I didn't think that she could possibly be talking about Jack… the girls didn't know did they?

"Oh daddy, anyone could see that you loved him. 'Sides momma saw you kissing him the first time he came up after you and her got married."

Oh by God. I flamed red with embarrassment. I couldn't believe that she had told the girls.

"When did your momma tell you this? And why did you just believe her instead of asking me?"

"Right daddy. I'm gonna come to you and ask you something like that? Please. 'Sides, like I said earlier, anyone that knows you and saw you with him would know you loved him."

Jeez… I was stunned. I always thought we were discreet, well mostly, remembering the kisses we shared under the stairs.

"What gave us away Junior?"

"Just the way you looked at him I guess. Like your life had no meaning without him standing next to you. So I want you to tell me how you knew you loved him."

I just grunted. "You sure you want to hear this?"

She rolled her eyes at me… rolled her eyes! "I wouldn't ask if I didn't want to know daddy, so just tell me."

I just sighed. "If you're sure, but don't say I didn't warn you."

"I think I knew was in love with him our first summer together. The summer of '63 up on Brokeback. I think my changing my routine for him was sorta what clinched it."

"What do you mean changed your routine for him?"

"Hush up Junior, I'm telling this story. I was getting there."

"Sorry daddy, but I've been wanting to hear this story for years."

Damnit, she made me blush again. "Alright, alright. So we're not even halfway through the summer, when Jack announces that he's sick of beans." I shook my head, remembering. "I couldn't believe that. I _like_ beans. I couldn't believe that he was sick of beans _already_. It normally took me till almost August to get sick of 'em."

I stopped when I realized Junior was giggling. "Junior?"

"Sorry daddy. Just thinking. Momma used to complain about how much you liked beans. Said you just about blew her outta bed some nights."

"Oh lord. I can't believe she told you that. Your momma's got a big mouth."

"Anyway keep going daddy."

"Okay, okay. So he says he's sick of beans. Next day is the grocery run. So when I went to see this guy I gave him a totally different list than the one I showed Jack. You know me… I don't like soup."

"Right, you never were happy when momma made soup."

I let out a slightly melancholy sigh. "So I hate soup right? Instead of putting beans on the list I put soup. Even as I handed the guy the list I couldn't believe I was doing it. I talked to Jack too. He teased me a lot about how little I talked, so I finally started to open up to him. He was so damn crazy. Especially when he was drunk."

I stopped for a second. "I'm not sure how much you want to hear Junior. I don't want you to think no different of me if I tell you the whole thing."

"Daddy, I meant it when I said I wanted to hear the whole thing. I know some of it isn't gonna be pretty. But you loved him, and that's the important thing. It doesn't matter to me that he was a man. I'm going to love you no matter what."

I felt my eyes tearing up. To hear her say that, that it didn't matter that I was… queer. I didn't realize how much it would mean to me until she said it. I inhaled a shaky breath.

"Alright, so we were drunk as fuck the… the first time." I stopped and felt my ears and cheeks pink up.

"The way that that old bastard was making us sleep was horrible. One of us was supposed to stay at the camp and the other was supposed to sleep out on the field with the sheep. By this point I was the one going out to the field and Jack was staying at camp."

I smiled gently. "Jack hated sleeping out there with the sheep, but I didn't mind it. I thought it was peaceful, beautiful. But all Jack could think about was what would happen if the rangers caught us out there with them."

I chuckled softly. "He had no problem.. doing what we did, but was afraid to sleep out there with the sheep. …Anyway that night we just stayed at the camp. Finished off a bottle of whisky. I fell asleep ouside by the fire. Don't even remember Jack throwing the blanket on me. Just remember waking up in the middle of the night half froze. I guess I'd woken up Jack shivering and teeth chattering. He hollered at me to get in the tent and I stumbled over to it, tripping over half the damn camp on the way."

I stopped for a second to just remember. God I missed him so bad.

"So… um, anyway, I just stumbled into the tent and went back to sleep. Was still mostly drunk anyway. Slept for a few hours I guess. Woke up when Jack reached over and grabbed my hand and put it on his…. uuuh. Well, anyway, that shocked me right awake, I tell you that."

Junior was smiling at me real soft-like… like I was a little baby that had just done something cute. I raised an eyebrow at her and grunted, "What?"

"Nothing daddy. I guess I just think it's sweet and all. The look on your face when you talk about him is so cute."

I blushed a little at that and cleared by throat. "Well anyway, I freaked out and jumped back almost to the entrance to the tent, but he jerked with me, 'cause our hands were still wrapped up together. So we ended up wrapped around each other at the front of the tent, with our faces right together. I don't know what came over me. I wanted to kiss him so damn bad."

I know my eyes were getting misty again as I remembered. 'Damn he had such a pretty mouth. I think that was the first thing that attracted me to him. That damn half smile of his.' I shook myself clear of my thoughts and looked over at Junior.

"Junior.. hon you alright?"

"Yeah daddy fine. I just feel so bad that ya'll can't be together."

"Well it ain't gonna happen Junior. Even if he was still alive it would never have happened. He was beat to death. He was in a relationship with some man down there. People found out that he was going up to some cabin on the weekends. Jack never was too good at keeping secrets."

I let out a harsh sob, knuckling my eyes to try to stop the tears. Junior came over to me and wrapped me up in a hug.

"Daddy it's okay to cry. I know. I know. I love you."

"God I don't know how I'm gonna live without him. I just miss him so damn bad." God I felt like an idiot, bawling in my daughter's shoulder like a child, but I just couldn't take it anymore.

"Damn what in hell am I doin'? You didn't come over here to listen to me cry."

"It's all right daddy, I know you loved him. It don't matter that you're no man or not. Wouldn't be normal if'n you _didn't_ cry for the man you been in love with for nigh on twenty years."

"I'd never even really had no thoughts about doing something like that before he came along. But god I couldn't get him outta my head. All I could think of when he got up outta tha' damn tent the next morning was how bad I wanted to… well.. go right back in." I blushed again. I couldn't believe I was telling my daughter this stuff. My baby girl. "Damn it Junior I ain't comfortable telling you all this stuff, so I'm agonna skip some stuff."

"That damn bastard Aguirre we was workin' for… he watched us one time… the whole damn time. Waited till we'd gotten our clothes fixed up and everything and then came riding into camp to tell us bout Jack's uncle not bein' dead. That right bastard pulled us off the mountain a whole month early. Told Jack the next summer we wasn't up there gettin' paid to be 'stemin' the rose'."

"After we come down offa that mountain, it was like leavin' paradise or somethin'. Ain't nobody cared nothing about us or what we was doin'. I wanted to stay up there forever. We couldn't though. Not by a long shot."

"Me and your momma was s'posed o git married in December an it wasn't like I could just up and leave causa another man."

"We were standin' outside Aguirre's trailer, just sorta lookin' at each other. He asked me if I was gonna go up on Brokeback again the next summer. Told him prolly not. My heart was justa screamin' at me… 'don't let him drive away from you.' But damn it, I was a coward. I just let him get in that truck and drive away."

I stopped for a second, swallowin' hard. I just wasn't gonna let myself break down in front of my daughter again. "Soon as he got outta sight I got sick. Ducked into an alleyway and tried to puke. Felt like somebody was pulling my guts out hand over hand. Was like watching my heart drive off."

"So that's how I knew Junior. I don't know how it happened, but that summer on Brokeback I went and fell in love with him. Was like when he was with me everything was new and beautiful and nothin' in the world could touch us."

"Four years went and ain't hear word one from him. Figured I wasn't ever gonna hear from him again. It got better as the years went on, got to be an ache in my heart instead of a sharp shootin' pain. Then I got that postcard. That was that time your momma saw us."

"As the years went on, sometimes I couldn't decide if I loved him or hated him. I just knew I couldn't live without him. Watching him leave Brokeback all those times was the hardest thing I ever had to do… but I didn't see no other way. Things is different now. 1986, I never dreamed I'd make it this long. People like me and Jack can be together a little easier now; still gotta be worried about bein' beat, but not so bad as before.:

"I just wish I'd been with him when I had a chance. Was so afraid of him gettin' hurt cause of our… relationship, that I wouldn't go with him. Didn't make no difference, he got killed anyway."

"So's that answer your question Junior? That tell you what an idiot your old daddy is. I let him slip outta my hands, causa my foolish pride and bein' scared."

"Oh daddy. I'm sorry. I shoulda said somethin' to you years ago. Love is too precious to let it slip away, no matter who it is you're in love with. I guess that does answer my question. Kurt loves me in his way. No matter he's a roughneck. I love you daddy, thank you."

"Don't go thankin' me, I ain't done nothin' 'cept run my mouth. I'm tired Junior. Tired of bein' here without him, tired of dreamin'. I'm old hon and I don't think I'm gonna make it much longer. I'll make it to your weddin' I think, but I don't think I'll make this winter."

"Daddy, don't say that. Why're you saying this daddy?"

I grunted at her. I knew in my bones it was the truth. I was tired, winters were gettin' harder and I was dreamin' of Jack more often. He was callin' to me in my dreams, tellin' me he loved me, like he never did when we were livin'; tellin' me he'll see me soon.

"I just know Junior, I just don't want you gettin' surprised when it comes along."

CURRENT

I was serious when I told Junior I wasn't gonna make it much longer. I didn't think it would be the day after her weddin' but I guess that Jack's sick of me bein' slow. He's come to get me. I'm just gonna go to sleep, long as I wake up with him, it don't matter where we're goin'.

Figures we'd go back to Brokeback. He's so damn pretty, looks just like he did that first summer up on Brokeback. All bright black curls and big blue eyes. Was so coltish, limbs looked more like they belonged on a horse than a person. He hasn't seen me yet, I think I'm gonna sneak up on him.

I walk up behind him and wrap my arms around his neck. "Hey Rodeo. Guess who."

"Ennis." His breath hitched and he turned in my arms. His eyes are bright with tears, his mouth quiverin'.

"God, Jack. It's been so long. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry."

I moved into his arms, and just cried. I didn't know how to get across to him how much I hated myself.

"Ennis, Ennis. It's all right. I understand. I've been waitin' on you with nothin' to do but think. I just wanted you here. Ain't nobody here but us, literally this time. God I wish we coulda been together all this time, but we're here now, for the rest of ever, so let's just… be."

I couldn't believe he wsa forgivin' me so easy. But I guess us bein' here together proves better than anything how much I love him, and how much he loves me.

Both of us our face wet with tears, we move together. First time in what seemed like forever my mouth touched his. Felt like I was gonna die all over again when he brushed his tongue against the seal of my mouth. I opened to him.

My heart soared, finally free from the world's cowardice and my fear. Brokeback, place where bluebirds sing and there's a whisky spring.


End file.
